Oh boy am I suffering strongly tonight. I am home in an empty house - the boys away to a 'sleepover' at their cousins to let me get some rest. Much needed rest, rest which hopefully will stop them getting the full wrath of disgruntled mummy again!
I really feel I overstepped the Mark with BB today. I recount stories told to me by my mum about occasions where she actually locked herself in the bathroom to vent out her anger rather than take it out on my brother. This is where I was today, but I didn't lock myself away. I really should have.
Don't get me wrong, I didn't hit BB, but I shouted as loudly as he screamed, which to a four year old would be scary enough I'm sure, but when he refused to go up to his room and sat stubbornly at the bottom of the stairs the scary big bellied mummy decided to remove him to his room herself. Being as heavily pregnant as I am, this consisted of me in front of him, hands under the armpits and heaving him up two steps at a time. All the while his rage (and most likely fear) escalating to the point where at the top he was just bundled past the stairgate, the gate was closed and he was left to make his own way to his room tantruming like a two year old.
I think the closing of the gate was my equivalent of the locking of the bathroom door. I took myself away from the situation downstairs, and had the distraction of a nappy change which forced a little extra calming down time. Luckily by the time I returned to his room BB had also calmed down, and was more than happy to listen to mummy explain why she'd been so angry and the reason for him being 'sent' to his room. He accepted he had been in the wrong, and after his apology received the biggest cuddle he'd probably had in a long time.
Subconsciously the cuddles have continued throughout the afternoon, and lots of re- assurances from mummy that she loves him very much. (personally I know that I actually required the reassurance that my son still loved his psychotic mum). Later on I apologised for shouting at him, and promised not to do it again as long as he wasn't naughty. His response?
'I promise not to be naughty again mummy'
Gosh I'm crying again just thinking about it - probably hormones, but by god this one was different, and I just can't shake the guilt.
Wednesday, 16 February 2011
Sunday, 13 February 2011
Can't wait...
I forgot to mention that I had a bump photo sesh with the amazing K the other morning. I can't wait to see the results. Hopefully I get to post something up soon....
Insomniac child for sale...
Any offer considered!
This is where I was heading with BB this morning after yet another disturbed night of sleep.
I thought I was coping quite well through the week, but the knock on effect of not getting a decent nights sleep for the 5 nights since BFS returned to work finally took their toll. I snapped at him at 3am, read him the riot act as to what I would do if he woke up mummy again and left a disgruntled child who had the bloody cheek to come back through at god only knows what time to inform me that he couldn't get his covers to stay on. Aaaaargh.
The grumps escalated as the morning dragged on, to the point where I finally just broke down in tears and even at that he had the audacity to ask me why I was crying as he informed me that 'I wasn't sad'. I told him I was tired because he had kept waking me up - to which he replied 'but I was only crying Mummy'.....as though this wasn't a big deal and that I should have just ignored him.....you can't win!
I banned them both from pulling out any more toys and once I'd finished the ironing I went upstairs to my room (before I throttled one of them) and told them not to even bother coming to get me until they'd tidied up all of their toys from both the livingroom and the playroom. LL came up 5 mins later, and once banished from my room again and told to go back and help his brother tidy up I heard him chanting as he bumped down the stairs 'I no tidy, I no tidy, I play, I play'
We ended up up converting my bedroom into a cinema after lunch and one wrecked mum, one shattered little boy and a square eyed big brother settled into mums bed for a touch of Pixar magic. The former two managed to catch some zeds which at least allowed a touch of calm to wash over Station House before bedtime. I even helped BB make his first valentines card (for his 'girlfriend' Izzy. Too cute when he's 4 and she's 3!)
The riot act was once again read along with the statutory kiss, cuddle and rub-a-noses. Lets just hope that spending a day with grumpy mum is enough for them to actually take it seriously this time.
On another note I have a physio appointment in the morning, so fingers crossed they can actually do something to help my SPD, PGD or whatever else you may want to call the condition which is causing the agonising pain which wakes me every time I move in my sleep.
This is where I was heading with BB this morning after yet another disturbed night of sleep.
I thought I was coping quite well through the week, but the knock on effect of not getting a decent nights sleep for the 5 nights since BFS returned to work finally took their toll. I snapped at him at 3am, read him the riot act as to what I would do if he woke up mummy again and left a disgruntled child who had the bloody cheek to come back through at god only knows what time to inform me that he couldn't get his covers to stay on. Aaaaargh.
The grumps escalated as the morning dragged on, to the point where I finally just broke down in tears and even at that he had the audacity to ask me why I was crying as he informed me that 'I wasn't sad'. I told him I was tired because he had kept waking me up - to which he replied 'but I was only crying Mummy'.....as though this wasn't a big deal and that I should have just ignored him.....you can't win!
I banned them both from pulling out any more toys and once I'd finished the ironing I went upstairs to my room (before I throttled one of them) and told them not to even bother coming to get me until they'd tidied up all of their toys from both the livingroom and the playroom. LL came up 5 mins later, and once banished from my room again and told to go back and help his brother tidy up I heard him chanting as he bumped down the stairs 'I no tidy, I no tidy, I play, I play'
We ended up up converting my bedroom into a cinema after lunch and one wrecked mum, one shattered little boy and a square eyed big brother settled into mums bed for a touch of Pixar magic. The former two managed to catch some zeds which at least allowed a touch of calm to wash over Station House before bedtime. I even helped BB make his first valentines card (for his 'girlfriend' Izzy. Too cute when he's 4 and she's 3!)
The riot act was once again read along with the statutory kiss, cuddle and rub-a-noses. Lets just hope that spending a day with grumpy mum is enough for them to actually take it seriously this time.
On another note I have a physio appointment in the morning, so fingers crossed they can actually do something to help my SPD, PGD or whatever else you may want to call the condition which is causing the agonising pain which wakes me every time I move in my sleep.
Friday, 4 February 2011
Playing a game?
I'm not sure if this is what BFS's ex is doing or not, but either way she is surely getting under his skin. We haven't had a visit for BFS's DD since before christmas. Now for a man who fought tooth and nail to gain regular access to his little girl this isn't the norm. She comes to stay normally 50% of the weekends that BFS is home from work. The fact that she stays in a different county and is 7 and therefore is in school full-time restricts her time with us to those weekends.
BB and LL absolutely adore her and follow her around like puppies vying for her attention. BB especially is constantly enquiring when she is next coming to stay.
However, as I said she hasn't been for a while. She was due to come 2 weeks ago, but we got a call on the thursday evening saying she was ill and that she would get an emergency appointment at the docs for her on the friday. A phone call on sunday with BFS revealed that 'Mummy was too busy to take her to the doctor' and that she'd actually gone to the cinema with her friend that weekend. Didn't sound too sick to us! BFS offered to have her the following weekend, but she had a 'cinema birthday party' that she really wanted to go to. Turns out this birthday party was on the sunday and so she could have actually stayed over as usual and gone home a bit early on the sunday to attend!
Now here we are two weeks down the line on a pre-arranged contact weekend, and BFS has made the hour or so journey all the way to hers only to receive a phone call (from DD - not even her mum)1/2 hour before pick-up time to be told that she has a 'bit of a fever' and so won't be coming this weekend again. (Strangely DD didn't seem to think she was coming this weekend during a midweek call with Daddy.....) By the time BFS returns from work it will be 2 months since he's managed to get QT with his girl.
Understandably BFS is pretty upset, and very angry. He has called to see if he can see her for a couple of hours since he's down there anyway - but the calls and messages are being ignored. I try not to get pulled into this, and give BFS his space when I can see that he is obviously processing things over and over in his head, but this time I can't help but feel involved as it's not just BFS she's playing games with - it's my boys too.
How do you explain emotional blackmail to a 4 year old? BB is absolutely distraught that he's (once again) not getting to see his sister this weekend. He's been talking about it all week, and to get within a hare's breath of seeing her and then be told it's not going to happen is heartbreaking. He simply cannot understand it.
I haven't seen him yet. I'm at home awaiting the arrival of my despondant boys after their fruitless 3 hour round trip, but I know already I'm going to struggle to not feel just a spurt of anger for the thoughtless b**ch who's caused my boys (all 3 of them) this pain!
BB and LL absolutely adore her and follow her around like puppies vying for her attention. BB especially is constantly enquiring when she is next coming to stay.
However, as I said she hasn't been for a while. She was due to come 2 weeks ago, but we got a call on the thursday evening saying she was ill and that she would get an emergency appointment at the docs for her on the friday. A phone call on sunday with BFS revealed that 'Mummy was too busy to take her to the doctor' and that she'd actually gone to the cinema with her friend that weekend. Didn't sound too sick to us! BFS offered to have her the following weekend, but she had a 'cinema birthday party' that she really wanted to go to. Turns out this birthday party was on the sunday and so she could have actually stayed over as usual and gone home a bit early on the sunday to attend!
Now here we are two weeks down the line on a pre-arranged contact weekend, and BFS has made the hour or so journey all the way to hers only to receive a phone call (from DD - not even her mum)1/2 hour before pick-up time to be told that she has a 'bit of a fever' and so won't be coming this weekend again. (Strangely DD didn't seem to think she was coming this weekend during a midweek call with Daddy.....) By the time BFS returns from work it will be 2 months since he's managed to get QT with his girl.
Understandably BFS is pretty upset, and very angry. He has called to see if he can see her for a couple of hours since he's down there anyway - but the calls and messages are being ignored. I try not to get pulled into this, and give BFS his space when I can see that he is obviously processing things over and over in his head, but this time I can't help but feel involved as it's not just BFS she's playing games with - it's my boys too.
How do you explain emotional blackmail to a 4 year old? BB is absolutely distraught that he's (once again) not getting to see his sister this weekend. He's been talking about it all week, and to get within a hare's breath of seeing her and then be told it's not going to happen is heartbreaking. He simply cannot understand it.
I haven't seen him yet. I'm at home awaiting the arrival of my despondant boys after their fruitless 3 hour round trip, but I know already I'm going to struggle to not feel just a spurt of anger for the thoughtless b**ch who's caused my boys (all 3 of them) this pain!
Sunday, 30 January 2011
Food comparisons
A quick update on operation P.T - after a valiant effort by BFS it was officially abandonded on wednesday. He gave 3 full and dedicated days to it but LL couldn't care two cahoots about big boy pants or weeing in the potty!
I've been holed up in the office again this week - even popped up to the official one in Ellon on thurs and fri to start my maternity handover (yaaaaaay!) so not much to report there....
I decided to make our boys a nice pudding for after dinner yesterday instead of their standard yogurt. BFS was going to make rice pudding, but had left it too late - so I grabbed a packet of semolina from the cupboard and decided to make some good old fashioned semolina and serve it with a dollop of jam (sure to be a winner). After bigging it up to the boys it was duly served looking a bit like dodgy pink gruel as daddy had mixed up the jam into it. Oooh - it's just like porridge mummy was BB's response, ....just......ike....orrid......mummy was LL's (he tends to copy everything his brother says verbatim at the moment). Both boys tucked in enthusiastically, but after polishing off the majority of it BB informed me that he didn't like it!
What don't you like about it? - Me
I don't like the taste - BB
Why, what does it taste like? - Me
Hmmmm, it tastes like (eyes wandering about the kitchen) ...... clocks!
No answer to that now is there?
Monday, 24 January 2011
Operation P.T.
Yesterday BB and myself were banished from the house. Late on saturday evening (after a lovely dinner at a friends house where our boys discovered chocolate fondue!) BFS made the firm decision to start potty training LL the next morning, and apparently to do this properly and the way he wanted neither BB nor myself were allowed to be present!
He suggested taking BB to the flicks, and since this is a treat that I don't normally get to do with my eldest I embraced the idea.
We were up sharp and had left the house by 9am (which on a sunday is quite an achievement!) We had a choice of Shrek 4 or a Tinkerbell movie, and since BB hasn't seen Shrek 1,2 or 3 we plumped for the what would probably be thought of as the 'girlie' option. Not surprisingly though BB didn't mind! (I think it helped that were were sat next to another little boy!) We donned ourselves with a big blue slush puppie to share and a choice selection of about 10 sweets to share from the pick & mix - which still cost about £2! I discovered very quickly that 'sharing' the blue drink consisted of me getting a taster at the start and then having to forfeit any other claim I had to the cup for the entirety of the film!
Film over we went to Fat Face for a gander and I treated him to a couple of tops, and myself a pair of summer pumps (mine in the sale!) then we had a stroll up to the other centre for lunch, but when we got there BB decided he wanted to eat at 'Unit Square' so we headed back down from whence we came. We stopped at M&S cafe to re-fuel and call BFS to see how things were getting on back at Station House. The reply was mixed. Very positive on the fact that LL was choosing to sit on the potty for stints and was proudly sporting his big boy pants and showing his dexterity at pulling them down and back up again, but less positive on the actual use of said potty as he was still choosing to wait until coming off to wee in his pants (hmmm, maybe he thinks they have the same function as a nappy and that's where you're supposed to wee?) Still positive about the whole thing though I said goodbye's and we headed up to see Great Grandma A. (via a stop at Halfords for an inner tube which I was unsuccessful in sourcing!)
G.G.A was in fine feckle. We had a chat, a cuppa and BB had a gingerbread man which was bought for him in M&S which kept him happy and after another check in at home we left the bright lights of the big smoke to head back home....
If you want to know about the P.T - you'll just have to log into BFS's blog to see how it went (once he decides to write about it!) but from a Mummy and BB point of view P.T led to a brilliant day with mum and son and can be repeated as often as daddy likes!
One top tip though....if you do take a little one to the flicks and they insist on blue juice then do try and constrain their portion size. Gross as this sounds it was a source of amusement to myself (and consequently BB after he asked what I was laughing at) when I discovered that almost unbelievably the colouring was so strong that it had managed to turn BB's poo a luminous shade of bluey green!!! I'm sure it would have glowed under ultra violet!
He suggested taking BB to the flicks, and since this is a treat that I don't normally get to do with my eldest I embraced the idea.
We were up sharp and had left the house by 9am (which on a sunday is quite an achievement!) We had a choice of Shrek 4 or a Tinkerbell movie, and since BB hasn't seen Shrek 1,2 or 3 we plumped for the what would probably be thought of as the 'girlie' option. Not surprisingly though BB didn't mind! (I think it helped that were were sat next to another little boy!) We donned ourselves with a big blue slush puppie to share and a choice selection of about 10 sweets to share from the pick & mix - which still cost about £2! I discovered very quickly that 'sharing' the blue drink consisted of me getting a taster at the start and then having to forfeit any other claim I had to the cup for the entirety of the film!
Film over we went to Fat Face for a gander and I treated him to a couple of tops, and myself a pair of summer pumps (mine in the sale!) then we had a stroll up to the other centre for lunch, but when we got there BB decided he wanted to eat at 'Unit Square' so we headed back down from whence we came. We stopped at M&S cafe to re-fuel and call BFS to see how things were getting on back at Station House. The reply was mixed. Very positive on the fact that LL was choosing to sit on the potty for stints and was proudly sporting his big boy pants and showing his dexterity at pulling them down and back up again, but less positive on the actual use of said potty as he was still choosing to wait until coming off to wee in his pants (hmmm, maybe he thinks they have the same function as a nappy and that's where you're supposed to wee?) Still positive about the whole thing though I said goodbye's and we headed up to see Great Grandma A. (via a stop at Halfords for an inner tube which I was unsuccessful in sourcing!)
G.G.A was in fine feckle. We had a chat, a cuppa and BB had a gingerbread man which was bought for him in M&S which kept him happy and after another check in at home we left the bright lights of the big smoke to head back home....
If you want to know about the P.T - you'll just have to log into BFS's blog to see how it went (once he decides to write about it!) but from a Mummy and BB point of view P.T led to a brilliant day with mum and son and can be repeated as often as daddy likes!
One top tip though....if you do take a little one to the flicks and they insist on blue juice then do try and constrain their portion size. Gross as this sounds it was a source of amusement to myself (and consequently BB after he asked what I was laughing at) when I discovered that almost unbelievably the colouring was so strong that it had managed to turn BB's poo a luminous shade of bluey green!!! I'm sure it would have glowed under ultra violet!
Tuesday, 18 January 2011
What to do?
I've been struggling to think about what to write about. I decided not to let this blog go by the wayside as it has been for the past few months, but to be honest, when BFS returns from work and I get holed up in the office day in and out, I kinda struggle for anything interesting to write about. Pictures of the boys sat around the kitchen table soon get repetative, but when that's about the only place I see them (at meal times) what else can I capture?
On the odd occasion, however, when I draw the bedroom curtains I get faced with a scene that asks for me to head downstairs, grab my camera and capture it for prosperity.
So until my life perks up with something noteworthy to write about pretty pictures it will be....
Oh and btw - that's the sun in the picture - not the moon! It was a very foggy morning.
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