Real tears

For the past two days SC has added waterworks to her repertoire. Up until now there's been the cries, mostly angry as though she is expressing sheer rage at everything and everyone, but a couple of times I've answered to her calls in the last 48 hours there have been tears seeping down her face or simply welling up in her eyes. I'm actually finding it pretty upsetting. It's as though this shit is now real. A light has been turned on in her little head, and she's no longer screaming because she doesn't know why, now she knows and it's upsetting her. She feels lonliness, pain, discomfort, abandonment, and most of all that she's not been protected from these things by me. 

I thought I'd finally try and introduce a 'bath and bedtime' routine. This time the real tears belonged to both of us. BFS had been working all day and in between feeds, dog walking, school runs, meal making (for the kids) baby massage class, swimming lesson drop off and a tip run, I had also been otherwise occupied and hadn't made dinner for the grown ups. I returned from a walk with SC and Lex (and Tex from next door) and BFS suggested he go out for pizza. Woo bloody hoo....meal making is definitely wearing me down at the moment. It's my most dreaded 'chore' (as that's what it feels like) the noo. Anyhoo's I digress...I decided tonight would be the night and she'd done so well at her massage class in the morning. I quickly grabbed the bath, got everything laid out upstairs including a towel on a piddle mat, ambient lighting and the lullaby CD playing which I used for BB when he was a baby. The bath got filled, BFS left and I stripped a smiling SC ready for her relaxing pre bed treats. Or so they were supposed to be! As soon as her legs hit the womb warm water all mighty hell broke loose. She screamed the house down and no amount of smiles and reassuring splashes from me could convince her that this was supposed to be a pleasant experience (note to self - get baby SC accustomed to the bathing experience before we embark on our first Water Babies block!) I gave up and took her out, wrapped her all snuggly and gave her lots of cuddles as I transported her to our mellowed out massage parlour. The problem was she didn't mellow out - in fact she escalated and once more that almighty raged holler came from her tiny frame. I cuddled, I walked, I even attempted to lather her in the coconut oil and chill her that way but finally caved, crying with helplessness and settled her the most likely way to work. I quickly got her dressed and into the grobag and u clipped my bra! She even complained about that! It took s good while got her to settle and finally accept the milk being offered. BFS came home after side one was emptied and she appeared calm and content (if only he knew what he'd missed!) I carefully ate my 'dinner' one handed trying my best not to drop any on the White linen! Once I was drained dry I popped her into bed, only to have her awaken (Argh) I let her suckle on my finger for a bit, tried and failed with the dummy and eventually went downstairs leaving her trying to suck on her own hands (knowing full well within 5 mins she'd be screaming again. Correct! I turned the monitor off, but after 15 mins and she was still at it BFS tried to settle her but she ended up back downstairs with us, back on the boob and annoyingly sleeping within 5 mins. Scared to move I sat with her like that until half past midnight. (3 1/2 hours!) BFS was sleeping on the other sofa! I really did have to get to bed and moved her upstairs to feed her again. She woke again going into bed and grumbled when I went to brush my teeth, this time luckily she settled with suckling my finger for ten minutes - so it's now my turn to get some sleep.....