The guilts

Oh boy am I suffering strongly tonight. I am home in an empty house - the boys away to a 'sleepover' at their cousins to let me get some rest. Much needed rest, rest which hopefully will stop them getting the full wrath of disgruntled mummy again!

I really feel I overstepped the Mark with BB today. I recount stories told to me by my mum about occasions where she actually locked herself in the bathroom to vent out her anger rather than take it out on my brother. This is where I was today, but I didn't lock myself away. I really should have.

Don't get me wrong, I didn't hit BB, but I shouted as loudly as he screamed, which to a four year old would be scary enough I'm sure, but when he refused to go up to his room and sat stubbornly at the bottom of the stairs the scary big bellied mummy decided to remove him to his room herself. Being as heavily pregnant as I am, this consisted of me in front of him, hands under the armpits and heaving him up two steps at a time. All the while his rage (and most likely fear) escalating to the point where at the top he was just bundled past the stairgate, the gate was closed and he was left to make his own way to his room tantruming like a two year old.

I think the closing of the gate was my equivalent of the locking of the bathroom door. I took myself away from the situation downstairs, and had the distraction of a nappy change which forced a little extra calming down time. Luckily by the time I returned to his room BB had also calmed down, and was more than happy to listen to mummy explain why she'd been so angry and the reason for him being 'sent' to his room. He accepted he had been in the wrong, and after his apology received the biggest cuddle he'd probably had in a long time.

Subconsciously the cuddles have continued throughout the afternoon, and lots of re- assurances from mummy that she loves him very much. (personally I know that I actually required the reassurance that my son still loved his psychotic mum). Later on I apologised for shouting at him, and promised not to do it again as long as he wasn't naughty. His response?

'I promise not to be naughty again mummy'

Gosh I'm crying again just thinking about it - probably hormones, but by god this one was different, and I just can't shake the guilt.